about that living well smoke remedy infomercial ...

[please, i'm beggin' ya! do not place an order until you have read this. i'll do my share by keeping you entertained. you must do yours by making an informed and forewarned purchase if that is what you are hell bent on doing.]

and now the rest of the smoke remedy story ...

and they fondly bid farewell, "see you again on the donald and chloe show." (as if it actually is a scheduled program we might want to tivo).
in this episode, dazzling donnie boy barrett and charming i-think-english-but-could-be-aussie-if-not-new-zealand-accent chloe are actually co-hosts—a tag team of truth maker uppers, if you will.
and their lungs are full of fibs about their latest breakthrough homeopathic concoction, smoke remedy, the natural solution to cigarette addiction.

now to donnie boy's credit (and i just know he was dying to blurt it out in a pile of can't-help-myself), he did not claim smoke remedy would cure any lung cancer caused by smoking.
i suppose with a huge fine already sitting over his head for claiming crushed coral calcium would do that, the dazzler thought better of it this time around.
bless his timid little heart.
nice job!

but what he didn't say is the only good thing i can say he said.
the rest is pure fabrication and conjecture in the form of protected first amendment rights to express opinions.
it's what donnie and chloe do best.
and this time the claims are flying without a smoke free breath of proof.

just go to the living well remedy website.
it's bold.
not a disclaimer in sight.
but the smoke remedy story is chock full of homeopathic homespun yarns.

here are but a few of the highlights:

1. "... when you smoke, nicotine sends a signal to your brain to release a chemical called dopamine that can give you a feeling of pleasure and calm. unfortunately that feeling is short lived. so to achieve that feeling again, you have to light up another cigarette, and the craving process begins."
[excellent! the whole problem is so simple to understand. can't wait to see how smoke remedy is going to fix that dastardly smoker's conundrum.]
2. "... smoke remedy is different (from other more popular methods) because it helps to ELIMINATE the craving and desire for cigarettes, not try to just SATISFY it!"
[hmm ... okay. first, why is "eliminate" capitalized when it should be "helps" that is? and what does "help" mean anyway? i once helped my dad CHANGE a flat tire. i held the lug nuts for him while he actually changed it. but maybe i'm being tough on the dazzler. i'm sure he is going to explain precisely the science involved.]
3. "... smoke remedy is unique because it uses homeopathic medicines that are known to have no side effects and have been shown through traditional homeopathic provings to actually work! these homeopathic medicines help to strengthen your body to get back to a balanced state when the craving and desire for tobacco and nicotine did not exist."
[what!?! now that's the donnie boy i know. a lotta said about nothing. what are the ingredients? why do they HELP eliminate the urge? where are the homeopathic "provings"? and what "balanced state" are they talking about anyway? the same one every smoker was in before smoking? this is "what" times infinity, that's what this "what" is.]

and that's it!

we learn nothing more.
well that's not entirely true.
we learn about a process of smacking the bottle in your palm first.
it's called "succussing" in homeopathic lingo.
it apparently awakens the full homepathic strength, which is why homeopathy is so unique.
oh, and you can't have any mint nearby when your using this stuff either.
it creates a crack in the homepathic parallel universe some how.
but not to worry!
it's all a part of the homeopathic provings, as i suspect are the findings that testing and documenting test results place the research homey in an out of balance state as much as nicotine does.
it's what puts homey in homeopathy you know.

still with me?
still want to try it because nothing else has worked.
okay!
i understand.
really.
but let me fill you in on what the dazzler does next.

he gives you something for free, in this case something called lung remedy.
seems like a nice thing to do.
it isn't!
it is a scam trojan horse of sorts.
once allowed inside your credit card expiration date, a tsunami of auto charges will sweep across your monthly statement when you least expect it.
if you order through the website, i suspect you will be given no choice but to take the "free" auto credit charge offering.
if you order over the phone, be double careful.
the customer service folks work for a portion of the take.
i think that is called "commissions" in marketing and sales circles.
they will sign you up for everything they possibly can talk you into.
and those less scrupulous reps will add stuff to your order no matter how convincing your rejections.

unfortunately, you won't know until the charges crash against your budget shores, and folks by then it is too late to move to higher ground.
the damage is done.
and just try stopping it through 800 number calls and cancellations.
i laugh.
you have a better chance of getting dick cheney on a green peace boat with michael moore on board.

you will have no other option than to "lose" your credit card and report it as missing so you can get a new credit card number, which will prevent future auto charges from processing since they will be using the old, invalid credit card number.

i know.
what a pain.
not very homeopathicky is it?
but it is your only homey-pathetic remedy to this scourge.
and with any luck, the whole mess won't get you back to smoking all over again!
which kinda defeats the whole purpose in the first place.
capisci?
now go forth!
consider yourself warned and thanks for putting up with me!